Sunday, August 03, 2014

How to get a Ring Tone

In my day, the phone rang. Ding-dong...ting a ling a ling what have you. The phone did not squeak, growl or whistle. It rang. From the wall or the princess extension complete with glow in the dark rotary dial.

I'm all for keeping up with the times. My  cell phone must be an original model, it belongs in a museum. But at least I have a cell phone. No I-phone, You-phone, All God's Children-phone. A few years ago said relic was programmed with a rap song ring tone. Sort of a gansta We Wish You a Merry Mutha--f---ink Christmas. Nice. Perfect when forgetting to turn the blessed thing off in church.

I decided I want my phone to ring, as they did in the Kennedy era. Luddite that I am I finally figured out which buttons to push in what sequence to change a ring tone. I was offered the choice of hip-hop, r&b, rock, classic rock, Christian rock (what,  no Muslim rock?) soul, electronic, jazz and dance. You don't want to see me dance never mind see me hipping or hopping.

All I want is to get me phone to ring.

World music, comedy, TV film, throat ringing, or Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory expounding. No ring.

Sleuth ! I found a phone number, and after a wait and pushing more buttons was put through to Lakshmi. Lovely girl. From New Delhi she had to explain to me who the hell hipped and who the hell hopped. I just wanted my phone to ring. Every third phrase she was saying"Meester POOOOORDI"=I tired to interrupt--finally yelling, Honey! Honey! Ola! But our Lakshmi, who wants to study fashion design in Geneva (Switzerland- not New York, I got that wrong too) wasn't about to deviate from the script. She did not understand what I meant by a ringing phone. That's how it is in New Delhi and for persons under forty that's how it it all over the world. 

Why would you want the phone to ring when you can hip, hop or have Christan rock -where they say blessed mother instead of mutha f____er.

Finally I said what about classical? She put me on hold and began to play the Rolling Stones in Sad! Sad! Sad! By then I was nuts nuts nuts. I figured if I wanted my phone to ring I could carry a little bell around with me. Poor Lakshmi finally understood what I meant by classical (Beethoven Fifth! Ta-Ta-Ta-DAH).....and my new ring tone is Luciano Pavarotti singing Di quella pira from Il trovatore, describing his mother being burned at the stake. Nice, and the closest I could get to a ringing phone.

1 comment:

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