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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Swear Thou the Jury.....

I've just finished four days of jury duty.                                                              
I didn't get a case and a lot of us were dismissed early.
I did have time to keep a little diary:

July 9::
A favorite colleague says that I rant. Can you imagine?
I do not rant.
OK, today is day 1 jury duty.
The few 19 to 22 demographics in the jury pool arrived for orientation either in
teeny teeny shorts with va-j-j- shots or those baggy pants with the low underwear.
Two young worthies with NO underwear were the talk of the room.
Hairy butt cracks don't go with coffee and filling out forms at 7:50 a.m.
in the courthouse in Columbus, Ohio. The jury monitor was maternal but firm.
Mother than once she was heard to say, "Honey..."
Stay tuned.
Jurors four, five, six and seven
                                                                                                        
July 10::
Jury or not, can I be your daddy?
Jury day 2.                                                                         
I'm trying to be very adult and doctoral.
Carrying books: Dickens-Bleak House, a great new book on the shroud of Turin, and Andy Cohen's memoirs.I'm reading Andy behind the shroud so people don't think I'm weird.
In the acknowledgements he thanks his editors for allowing him to use the word "boner". Boner? Boner?
I wandered all over the Franklin County courthouse asking people what the hell is a boner? Then
I realized. He means bo-nah (who the hell says boneR. Jeez) Thank God the judge didn't know what the f was a boner OR a boh-nah so I didn't have to be embarrassed.
No case yet. No bo-nah either.

At this clip 3:00 you find there's more than one way to work a jury




July 11::
Jury day 3
Linda drove me in this morning.
In the middle of 71 she glances over and says:
"You didn't SHAVE!"
You look like an old man with ALZHEIMER'S!
You men think you look cool with that stubble but at your age!"

They work hard to make us comfortable and they succeed.
Free coffee, tea, meth crystals, whatever.
Four flat screen TVs in the 'quiet room' with titles and no sound.
You have your choice of 1) Jerry Springer ("I slept with my grandmother's sister and I'm only eleven!")
2)Rachael Ray (be still my heart) 3) Maury Povich's paternity tests ("My BROTHER is my baby daddy!")
and 4) cartoons. Daytime TV is why people go postal.
Very nice people use their cell phones in the corridor outside the quiet room and my,. they are loud.
I and 70 other people now know more about a man's wife's hemorrhoids .
No case yet. Can there be more drama?

July 12::
Be still my heart
Jury day 4                                                                                                                 
Half of the jury pool was sent home yesterday.
Not me!
This morning's movie is The Proposal . Yesterday's was Avatar.
Nothing above PG it seems. 
Waiting for a case, probably today ("The judges don't like to start trials on a Friday":-I'll bet.)

Ten years ago I was an alternate on a murder case. A Grandma named Mrs. Slaughter
-I shit you not- was accused of having her brother strangle another grandma and then drown her in her own bathtub.Compelling evidence again Grandma S., who as I recall had Closer to Jesus hair and was Maybellined to the gills.
The smarty M.I.T. grad on the jury wouldn't convict.
I couldn't find a pic of Josephine
Hung jury after two weeks,  and Grammie S was free to go
home and cuddle her grandchildren.
And so it goes!
No Rachael Ray on the TV  ten years ago.
No movies, either.

LATER, July 4

Had enough?
Apparently the state of Ohio has.
No case and all dismissed at 1 PM.
Thank you and goodbye jurors and goodbye Rachael Ray.
See you in my dreams.

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